Confessions of a Closet Atheist
by CrazyMuffin7
Summary: Hikaru and Kaoru are shipped off to church camp for a week. How will they survive without a lock on their door? Rated M for sexual themes, language, and ideologically sensitive material.


**Secret #1: I am an atheist, and I pray to a flying spaghetti monster.**

This is the story of the worst three months of my life. The best of it involves star-crossed lovers. The worst of it involves sex, incest, bigotry, a dysfunctional family past repairment, and homosexuality. If you don't think you can handle those themes, I suggest you stop reading now, because it gets way worse from here.

Way. Fucking. Worse.**  
**Sorry, I forgot to mention cursing among the adult themes. Oops. Well, if you don't like foul language, you should have left by now.**  
**Concerning the characters of this story: You will like some of them. You may even love one or two of them. And, if you're a fan of the (in)famous Ouran High School Host Club of Ouran Academy, you probably already know a few of them. Kaoru is my personal favorite, simply because he's so sweet. But, I'm sure you've already become acquainted with his good looks and docile nature.**  
**On the other hand, you probably don't know anything about our parents. Our mother is a fashion designer, and our father manages a computer software company. Neither of them were home very much when we were growing up, so Kaoru and I were raised by nannies for the most part. They're also very devout in the Christian faith, something that my brother and I eventually grew out of. (Pastafarianism is much more fun, but more about that later.)

I used to hate my parents. It was their fault that Kaoru and I turned out so twisted, after all. But if Kaoru and I hadn't been twisted, we might not have fallen in love, and that is something I could never bring myself to regret. At the very least, they loved us. Or they used to. I'm not sure anymore.

What could we do to make our parents stop loving us, you ask? Well, that is a story that began last summer, the summer after our freshman year. It was well after we had stopped believing in god, but our parents forced us to go to church camp. We hadn't told them that we were actually atheists, and we couldn't think of any other reason not to go. Telling them wouldn't have done anything but make them angry, and we decided long ago that we would do just about anything to avoid conflict with them.

Camp was hell, but we made the most of it. The first night we skipped chapel in favor of taking a swim. At first, we were kind of afraid to get in. There was underwater lighting on the sides of the pool, but nothing was illuminated in the middle. There was no way of knowing if something was lurking under the water, which was creepy, to say the least. After we got over our inhibitions and just dove in, it was amazing. The water wasn't terribly cold (thanks to the 100 degree weather), and it was one of those awesome pools that used saltwater instead of chlorine. The only sound was of crickets and the gurgling pool filter. Even though there was no one around, we felt the need to whisper to each other. We were being so mischievous. If caught, we could have been kicked out. But why would that be a bad thing?

Kaoru and I stuck to the edges of the pool for the most part, but fear of the unknown quickly turned to curiosity, and we ventured to the middle of the deep end. We went as far as daring each other to touch the bottom of the nine-feet-deep part of the pool. My ears popped like hell, but the worst part was opening my eyes six feet under water and just seeing darkness. I had to wonder if I was swimming the right way, and if I was, would I reach the bottom before I blacked out from loss of oxygen? My lungs felt like they were going to explode after I brushed the bottom with my fingertips. I turned myself around and pushed damn hard off of the rough concrete, everything in me fighting for oxygen. Breaking the surface was a surprise. There was no way to tell between air and water until you actually reached one or the other, and I gasped for breath and flailed my arms and heard Kaoru yell, "Hikaru!", temporarily forgetting in his fear that someone might hear us, and he swam to me.

"Are you okay? Breath, it's fine, you're fine." He grabbed my hand and lead me to the nearest side, where I proceeded to collapse. "You were under for_ever. _Did you forget which way was up?" The light on the side of the pool cast eerie shadows on our faces and illuminated a halo around us in the water that faded into black.

I shook my head and rubbed saltwater out of my eyes. "No," I managed to cough out. "It's just a long way down."

"Don't scare me like that," he murmured, not looking at me. "I thought you had drowned, and it would have been all my fault because of that stupid dare."

It felt like I should have apologized, but for what? I hadn't really done anything.

Just then, the pool lights all flickered off at once. We clung to each other with bated breath for several tense moments before Kaoru whispered, "Let's get out of here," and we scrambled out of the pool.

On the walk back to our dorm, we tried to be mature, but every sound made us jump. "Do you ever just want to run?" I asked. "I know we're too old to be afraid of the dark, but sometimes..." I grabbed his hand and whispered, "Run run run run run," and we ran the rest of the way, hand in hand and giggling.

Now might be a good time to mention some things about the layout of this place. The camp was located in a suburban area. It took up both sides of one street, plus a chapel that sat on the corner of the next closest block. The boys' dormitory was actually an old hotel that the camp had bought for its own use a few years back. It was on the very corner of one block, and across the street from that was the building that housed the registration office, gym, and museum. Behind that building was where the pool (in all of its salt-watery glory) was located. The rest of the block on that side was a big field. Down the street from the boys' dorms was the cafeteria and merch store. The chapel was across the street from the edge of that huge field, and diagonal from the cafeteria.

Kaoru and I slowed our pace and walked calmly through the sliding glass doors into the lobby of the boys dormitory. Once in the elevator, we exchanged mischievous grins. At floor three, we stepped out of the elevator and walked to the last door on the left side of the hall. When the camp had bought this place, they had taken all of the locks off of the doors for "safety reasons". All the rooms looked like hotel rooms besides that and the fact that there were no televisions. We had two single beds in our room. On the nightstand between them, there was a lamp and a working phone. The bathroom was small and poorly lit, but livable. At the administration office, we had been informed that there was a counselor in the first room on the right side of every hall should we need anything.

The next morning started early. Kaoru and I slept through most of morning chapel, then we participated in different kinds of made-up games outdoors for most of the morning. It was exhausting. We were very grateful when lunch break came along. After eating, we had another hour to do whatever we wanted, so we took a nap. I let Kaoru join me on my bed. It was smaller than the one we had at home, but both of us could still fit. It was innocent. We were just laying there (fully clothed, I might add), falling asleep, when the door opened all of a sudden, and a counselor barged in on us. If the rest had been a play, it would have gone like this:

Counselor: What are you doing?

Hikaru and Kaoru (together): Sleeping.

Counselor: Why?

Kaoru: Because we're tired.

Hikaru: Did you need something, or is it normal to barge in on people for no reason here?

Counselor: Just checking on you. Also, we have a one-person-to-a-bed policy, so-

Kaoru: We're _brothers,_you pervert. We shared a womb; I think God would be fine with us sharing a bed.

Counselor: Adjust your attitude.

_The counselor exits the room_

And then it would be, like, End of Act I or something. Don't judge me. I'm not a playwright.

"I wish there was a lock on the door." I sighed and laid my head on my arms. "What if we had been changing?"

"We could always go in the bathroom for privacy, but that would probably look suspicious. The 'we're brothers' card can only go so far." He laid his head in his arms and groaned. "We've hit rock bottom. I think I'm actually homesick."

"It's not so bad." I kissed the top of his head. His hair smelled sweet, like coconut. "Do you want to skip evening chapel again?"

Kaoru shook his head. "We shouldn't push our luck. Maybe tomorrow, though." I brushed my fingers across his cheekbones, and he smiled. Was this true love? Lust brought on by hormones? Maybe we only clung to each other because we weren't given enough attention or supervision as children, or because we were predisposed to this somehow. Even so, I loved him. Not in the way I loved my parents, but more in the way that I loved the Internet. It was a kind of addiction, really.

After our nap, we sat through chapel, then praise and worship, then dinner. The food wasn't too bad, but the cafeteria was packed. We ended up sharing a table with two other boys. One was some lanky, emo kid named Jeremy, and the other was a happy-go-lucky blondie who called himself "Ashton, but you can call me Ash." As soon as I met them, my gaydar readings were spiking. For one thing, they totally made a perfect bottom/top pair judging by size. Other than that, Ashton had glitter polish on his nails, and there was no _way _black was Jeremy's natural hair color. Jeremy didn't talk much, but I did notice that he was texting out of his hoodie (yes, his _hoodie,_ in 100 degree weather) pocket, which was against the rules.

We walked back to the dorms together and found that they were just across the hall from us. "See you tomorrow!" Ashton called to us cheerily before shutting the door between us.

"They seem okay," Kaoru said of them while we were getting ready for bed in the tiny, poorly lit bathroom.

"Yes, they really aren't the type I expected to see in a church camp, in many ways." Kaoru looked at me quizzically, like he was wondering if we were thinking the same thing. "I'm wondering how Jeremy and Ashton became friends. They seem like polar opposites."

"I don't know. Maybe Ashton is happy emo or scene or something. His bangs are cut the right way, you know? Also, I have a feeling they're both flaming homosexuals."

I nodded at him in the mirror. I guess we had been thinking the same thing.

We stayed up just talking until midnight, when Kaoru decided to give into sleep. I kissed his forehead and said goodnight, but he latched onto my sleeve and asked me to sleep with him. I said okay. There was enough room for the two of us, and I didn't care about pissing off that counselor again. We had shared a bed since we were born, even when our parents tried to separate us. It never worked. If we didn't blatantly disregard the rules, we were sneaky. We had learned how to get what we wanted at an early age, and we were ruthless.

I woke up a whole hour before the alarm was supposed to go off. Kaoru was still asleep. His arms were tucked up underneath him, his heading resting on one of his hands. He could have been a poster child for innocence. His lips were parted slightly. I watched a few breaths come and go, slowly. I leaned over and kissed one of his eyelids, then his cheek, his lips, his neck, and wondered what he would do if he woke up. I licked the shell of his ear and nibbled on his earlobe. Kaoru stirred a bit at that, and I pulled away slightly. His eyebrows furled slightly before his eyes opened, and he groaned, "Hikaru..."

"Good morning, love." I grinned.

"...Too early," he said groggily and pulled the covers up to his chin. "What time is it?"

"Sixish. I'll let you sleep for another hour." I watched him sleep for a while longer before getting dressed.

After breakfast, we decided to skip morning chapel. We didn't think about it much. The conversation just kind of went like, I asked Kaoru if he wanted to go to chapel, and he said no, and there wasn't any more discussion about it. So instead of walking to chapel with Ashton and Jeremy, we snuck back into our dorm without planning to do anything in particular. Kaoru flopped down onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling. I laid next to him.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly.

"You," he replied. "And me, and the universe. I'm also contemplating the existence of god. It _is_ hard to believe that everything is coincidence, you know?"

I nodded. Kaoru thought about philosophy a lot, but I considered it to be kind of pointless. If there isn't a god, great. If there is, I hate him for making everything so unfair and then having the audacity to call himself merciful. What kind of twisted bastard gives people homosexual urges, but tells them that they'll be damned to Hell if they act on them? It's certainly not the kind of deity I want to dedicate my life to. But, I didn't really feel like having this conversation with Kaoru. Instead, I opted for distracting him.

"You know what I really want to do right now?" I asked, propping myself up on an elbow.

"Of course I do. We are twins, after all. Our libidos are like, synced or something."

"So you agree with me, then?"

"No. There's no lock." Kaoru glanced toward the door nervously, as if expecting someone to suddenly break it down.

I climbed on top of him, resting on my hands and knees. Kaoru didn't make a move to push me off or encourage this. "No one's going to interrupt us. Everyone is at chapel right now." I caressed his cheek, and he leaned into my hand, closing his eyes. Looking down at him like that, I couldn't help but think how perfect Kaoru was. I leaned down to kiss his forehead and felt his arms wrap around my neck. It was silly, but I actually got butterflies in that moment. I had always thought that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling was reserved for elementary school crushes, but even after being with him like this so many times, I still got them. My lips met his, and soon the wet sound of our lips clashing together filled the room. His hands roamed from brushing through my hair to clutching at my shirt. Logic was blissfully absent as I scraped against his bottom lip with my teeth, sucking it into my mouth.

A moan escaped Kaoru, a guttural sound, as I trailed my lips along his jaw and up to his earlobe. I felt him thrust his hips up to grind into mine, suddenly realizing that I was hard. I roughly sucked at a spot on his neck that never failed to make him gasp. Another thrust of his hips, simultaneous low moans.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru said between pants.

"Yes?"

"Is it okay if..." He trailed off, and I pulled away a little bit to see his face. "Would it be okay if... if we had sex?"

I raised my eyebrows a bit. Kaoru was blushing, hard, and I could feel my face heating up, too. "Do you think you're ready for that?"

He nodded. "Well, as long as we use condoms and stuff, it's okay with me."

I bit my bottom lip, thinking about it. The only real problem I had was the fact that Kaoru could get hurt. "But wouldn't that be painful for you?"

Kaoru shrugged. "I... I trust you, Hikaru. I don't think you'd hurt me."

I sighed. So much could have gone wrong with this. He could have gotten sick, or an STD, or... I didn't even know all the risk factors. "Even if we're careful, it probably will hurt. You know that, right?"

He gave me a little smile. "I think I can handle it. I just... I want to be really intimate with you, Hikaru."

I leaned down and captured his lips in a kiss. Although it may have been a little stupid of Kaoru to think that sex could make our relationship more intimate, it was still very sweet that his intentions were so pure. Kaoru opened his mouth slightly to deepen the kiss, exploring my mouth with his tongue. He really _was _perfect, more than I could ever ask for. I broke the kiss. "When should we...?"

"Maybe now?"

"Right now? But we don't have any..."

Kaoru looked slightly embarrassed. "Actually, I might have hidden some condoms and lube in my suitcase."

I grinned and rolled off of him. I guess he had forgotten his inhibitions about the unlocked door. He dug through his luggage and sat a box of condoms and a bottle of cherry flavored lube on the nightstand. We were really going to do this. My heart beat faster in anticipation as Kaoru sat on the edge of the bed next to me. I grasped his forearm and pulled him close to me, just embracing him for a second.

We were really going to do this.

Kaoru kissed me as I pushed my hands beneath his shirt, pressing against his abs. I moved my fingertips up and down slowly. Kaoru pulled away with an adorable little giggle. "That tickles."

I moved to pull his shirt off, and Kaoru obliged, raising his arms above his head. He was so beautifully petite. I trailed my fingers over his clavicle and rib cage, marveling at his avian-like features. I rested a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back against the comforter, trailing kisses down his shoulders and arms that seemed almost hollow. Kaoru tangled a hand in my hair as I dedicated myself to memorizing every inch of his skin with my tongue. My lips found their way to his nipple, rolling the other into a hard bud with my free hand. Kaoru tugged at my hair and resisted the urge to vocalize his pleasure. I listened to his breathing hitch as I licked in slow circles before sucking slightly, wrapping an arm around his back to pull him ever closer to my mouth.

I drug my tongue down his stomach, leaving flutter light kisses everywhere until I found a place that made him draw his breath. I teased the sweet spot mercilessly, biting and licking and sucking. Kaoru arched his back as I dipped my tongue into his navel and drug my nails across his nipples all at once. His hips ground against me, searching for some kind of relief of that pressure.

I ran one finger down his zipper tantalizingly, looking up into his eyes. "Hurry up, Hikaru," Kaoru whined.

"Oh? Are we getting a little impatient?" I grinned devilishly and pulled the zipper down achingly slow. Kaoru lifted his hips off of the mattress so I could pull his jeans off. I hovered above him briefly before reaching a hand down to pull back the skin, spreading precum about with my thumb. Watching Kaoru twitch in my hands like that was so lovely. Finally, I leaned down to taste him.

I pulled my lips back across smooth yet firm skin, and couldn't help but marvel at his anatomy. He gasped and resisted jerking his hips, trying hard not to push his length deeper into my throat. The fact that he was holding back from pleasure for my sake was beautiful and perplexing all at once. Looking up at Kaoru from this position was absolutely delicious. His head was thrown back, eyes half lidded and clouded with lust. After biting his bottom lip didn't suffice for keeping quiet, he clasped a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. It was a shame, really, to have to keep his voice down.

"Hi- Hikaru, I don't think I can-"

That was all the warning I got before Kaoru was shuddering against the comforter, spilling his pleasure into my throat. He came hard and wasn't able to stifle the cry that left his mouth. He had a lovely voice.

And then little Kaoru went boneless against the comforter, panting. I rested my head against his thigh as I waited for him to recover. His breathing slowed as I moved to lay next to him. He glanced down at my mouth briefly before averting his eyes, blush deepening. It was a little late to be embarrassed, but he was all the lovelier for it.

Kaoru snuggled closer to me, pressing his body against mine. I rolled us both over so that he sat with his legs on either side of me, lying on my chest. He sat up and traced his fingers over my shirt. "We should get your clothes off. They're becoming a nuisance." I shrugged and reached for the hem of my shirt, pulling it off. "Much better!" he said, resting his weight against me. Instead of kissing my lips, he brought his mouth to my neck. Kaoru was sucking and nibbling just hard enough that it hurt, then kissing it, as if to heal the spot that way.

Kaoru sat up, looking a little dazed. I moved my hands to rest on his waist. "Does it bother you that there is a possibility we'll burn in Hell for an eternity?" he asked in a quiet voice. "Because it kind of worries me."

The question caught me off guard. I studied the ceiling fan, trying to come up with an answer. "I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, so no, I'm not worried about it. But if they do exist, I still don't care. You're worth it, Kaoru." He _was _worth it, that much I was sure of. When we fell in love, it was really conflicting since we had been raised in a Christian home. (We were mostly conflicted on the homosexuality aspect. Incest, on the other hand, is all over the Bible. Just look at Lot's daughters. Filthy whores.) I decided then that if Hell was real, I would gain enough pleasure and happiness on Earth so I wouldn't feel like it was all a mistake. Kaoru, I guess, still had second thoughts about it.

A disapproving frown tugged at his lips. "I'm worth an eternity of suffering?" Disbelief colored his voice.

"There's no guarantee that Hell actually exists. I'm willing to take the gamble if it means I get to keep you in the only life that I'm promised."

Kaoru leaned down, slowly resting all of weight against my chest. "Just make me forget," he whispered. "Just make me forget that God and everyone else is waiting to judge us."

Seeing so much pain in Kaoru's eyes killed me. He shouldn't have to feel so much guilt over me. Damn Christianity. I rolled us both over and kissed him until we were light headed from lack of oxygen. A curious hand tugged at the zipper of my jeans. My lips never left his as I tugged them off, discarding them unceremoniously onto the floor. Kissing Kaoru was lovely, but what I really wanted was too be inside of him. I wrapped my fingers around the soft curves of his ass, all too aware of his arousal pressing into my stomach, already hard again. I reached a hand over to the box of condoms and tore one out of its plastic wrapper. My heart was pounding, and my fingers shook as I rolled it on, then coated it with lube. I dipped two fingers into the bottle of lubricant and pressed them against Kaoru's entrance, his legs already spread.

"How badly will it hurt?" He was looking up at me with cautious eyes, causing me to hesitate.

"I'll be as gentle as possible, okay? Just trust me. And relax."

Kaoru closed his eyes and took a shaky breath. I pushed my index finger in. It actually went in smoother than I had expected. As I pushed the second finger in, Kaoru gripped at the sheets tightly, muscles contracting around the digits. I covered his hand with my free one. "It's okay." Kaoru squeezed my hand and bit his bottom lip to keep from crying out as I began scissoring my fingers, but his breathing hitched when I brushed against something in particular, a feeling of pleasure amid the discomfort.

"Again," Kaoru breathed, and I pressed against that corner of him in just the right angle once more, making him arch his back. I pulled my fingers out gently, and Kaoru groaned in disappointment. I wrapped an arm around the small of his back and pulled him close to me, his legs wrapping around my waist. He put both hands on my shoulders, his arousal pressing against my stomach. I squeezed his hips and guided him down.

Kaoru whimpered as he wrapped his arms around my neck. "It hurts, Hikaru."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered in answer. I meant it. Pain was one thing that I didn't want Kaoru to feel, but it was inevitable if we ever wanted this kind of intimacy. I rubbed his back in an attempt to sooth him. "Try to relax, baby. We're almost there."

"I can't! It's so-" It sounded like Kaoru was about to cry. "I want to stop, Hikaru, it's too much!" I bucked my hips, burying myself ever deeper, and Kaoru stifled a cry. "Stop, I don't want this!" He pulled away from me slightly. I grabbed him by the cheeks and pulled his mouth down onto mine, molding my lips to his carefully. I wanted with every fiber of my being for him to enjoy this, and I tried to communicate that through this kiss. I explored his mouth with my tongue, and he finally returned the kiss, giving in to me.

I felt him relax a bit and began bucking my hips again, finding the perfect angle. He was so tight and _hot. _Kaoru stayed relaxed even when I reversed our positions. His head rested on the pillows, and he arched his back so that I could go deeper. I knew I couldn't last much longer and reached down to pump Kaoru in time to my thrusts. His nails dug into my back, breath quickening. I flicked my tongue into his ear and whispered, "Come for me, Kaoru."

Relief and pure, unadulterated pleasure washed over me in that moment. Kaoru came even harder than he had the first time, white splattering between us as I felt all of his muscles contract around me at once. He was sweating and panting and blushing and covered in cum, and had never looked so beautiful. I pulled out of him slowly and we laid nose to nose, whispering forbidden words of love.

* * *

Author's note: I don't know what to say about this. My inspiration came from a PostSecret card I saw a year or two ago that read, "I had gay sex at church camp," and things went from there. And the OC's... They're kind of my imaginary friends. Ashton reminds me of Pico (from Boku no Pico, of course), and Jeremy is a character I used once in a story that was never published.  
Thanks for reading! Leave a review if you liked it, or if it made you angry enough to flame me. Love you all!


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